Dear Beard and Moustache Trend,
You are living it up right now, aren’t you? I bet you are blasting “(I’ve Had) the Time of My Life” from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. I don’t blame you — you’ve got almost every hipster male, “with-it” dad and a smattering of unaware loggers wrapped around your little hairy fingers. Good for you. It’s no sweat off your sack, it’s not like you have to kiss these wooly mammoths.
Sure, Beard and Moustache Trend, you’ve got a point — it does make an otherwise wimpy, jelly fish, namby pamby look like a strapping, virile man — much like the ever-masculine Mr. Keaton from Family Ties. I’ll concede that beards and moustaches aren’t always terrible on the eyes, it’s just everywhere else they touch that’s terrible.
I, for one, am done with you. I am done with having to weed through a nest of, well, face pubes to get to my man’s lips. I said it — face pubes. Oh, I’m sorry — are they something different? Okay, then they are hairy food catchers with an upper net and a lower net. Much less disgusting. In the past six months, I can’t remember one meal where I haven’t had to point out some stray dinner on my man’s FACE PUBES.
I’ve never been keen on your trend (clearly), but I am not opposed to a wild summer of Tom Selleck lip or a wintery season of Abe Lincoln face. The latter makes great sense — one might need some extra warmth during the frosty months. But summer — COME ON! You cannot tell me that it is comfortable to be breathing through a carpet on a hot summer day. Score one for you Beard and Moustache Trend — you’ve got ‘em all fooled.
My son and I were recently out for ice cream with our own wolfman and right after I told him he had something dripping off his lower hair nest, I spied two males walking by. One was a card-carrying beardo and the other one was the most amazing looking man I’d ever seen. Not because of his features — at this point, I could give a shit about that — but because of his rare, soft, flesh-colored cheeks and chin, and the supple skin that covers that entire area which I have not seen up close nor touched in what feels like an Amish decade. You may have pulled the wool over the eyes (and entire face) of all those neon-wearing, indie-rock and/or metal loving, Toms-tapping fellers, but you haven’t got them all.
Watch your step, Beard and Moustache Trend, because I just declared that not having a beard and moustache is the new having a beard and moustache. It’s way cooler to be clean shaven, guys. Hear me? We (I) are (am) not digging it anymore. Time to ditch the Teen Wolf costume (and even he didn’t take it as far as adding a moustache).
P.S. For the record, even though I dislike you, I like you a hell of a lot more than your creepy cousin, the Goatee Trend.