Product Review: Pado Pure Wave Massager (Not a Vibrator)

 

Be honest, you think this is what I’m doing with this device.

 

 

But I’m not. I’m just obsessed with any way I can replicate a deep tissue massage at home. And I have a tight neck, upper back, head, eyeball sockets and basically everything above my ribs, which causes me frequent headaches, which I’d love to be freed from.

This product was my Mother’s Day gift to myself (which was a gift in itself to my family who had to do no shopping for me). The Pado Pure Wave Massager sat on my porch in a box labeled “Pure Wave by Pado,” which surely caused my neighbors to raise an eyebrow and contemplate my level of perversion. Thanks for that bonus gift, Pado.

 

 

I ordered the CM-7 (I’m not sure what CM stands for, but I have a few ideas) and chose the white model, as opposed to the super sexual black and red one.

 

 

When I opened the package, both of my kids flocked to the box. I told them to step off, and started charging it. We marveled at all the six different attachments. I could tell that the small, shiny “facial massage” attachment was the one all you perverts thought I was buying it for. But, I knew that I would be spending a lot of time with the thumb-like acupressure tip instead (yes, I just said tip.) When it comes to massage, I am a bit of a masochist, so I was excited for the most elbow-like tool to dig into the side of my cervical vertebrae. Heck, I almost took the attachments clean off and used it in the raw as a vibrating nail.

 

 

But instead, I started slow. I began with the large rounded “air cushion stick,” which was the basic massage tool for the layperson. Turning the unit on (yes, I just said unit) was a bit strange. You turn on a dial and nothing happens until you turn it past the halfway point, and then BZZZZZZZZZ it’s on level 10, but that’s the first level. Massage snowflakes out there might be too intimated by all that power. Go big or go home should be this vibrator’s massage wand’s motto.

For some strange reason, after putting this enormous electric toothbrush on my upper back, I moved it to the side of my head and began laughing hysterically as it bumped off and on my temples. This thing was like a buckin’ bronco! Next, I moved it to my face. The sensation made everything go blurry and felt good. I was laughing even harder by this point. Who buys a massager and puts in on their face and laughs? Me.

 

Everything’s blurry!

 

Next, I tried the “six-head stick” which they said was great for deep tissue. I actually used this on my upper back, but damn, the power of this machine kept bucking off my muscles. It felt like a skier’s knees bouncing over moguls. But once I found my rhythm, and held it tighter to my back, the bucking lessened. Also to note, it was still at the lowest power setting. I haven’t yet turned it all the way up because I think it might dislocate my arm while trying to wrangle it.

Next up was the elbow-like acupressure “point stick.” HEAVEN. I put my arm behind my back, like I was being handcuffed, and jabbed that thing right underneath my scapula. And then dug deep into my trapezius muscles. I was falling in love.

But then my skin started itching, like when you sit against a Jacuzzi jet for too long. It must’ve been the continuous vibration. So I made sure to keep the jackhammer moving, and not linger too long in one spot.

Full disclosure: this may be a half-assed review because I can’t bring myself to use the “scalp massage stick.” I prefer a knuckle to the temple, not a flimsy silicone tickler.

I also haven’t tried the “body massage oil stick” attachment. Putting lotion on with my own hands is a rare occurrence (as is a shower), and I surely don’t need some sex stick to do it for me the few times a year it happens. The instructions say that it’s “great for couples,” but all I can imagine is oil being vibrated all over sheets, spraying everywhere, and then me desperately trying to OxyClean it to no avail. Thanks Pado, but I don’t need more laundry to do.

The Pado Pure Wave Massager also comes with nice little storage caddy, kind of like a Dustbuster. Display that baby and now all your guests will get to join your neighbors in contemplating your level of perversion.

 

 

I was skeptical if I would actually use the Pado Pure Wave Massager on a regular basis, or if it would just gather dust, charging for an eternity. But surprisingly, I have used this almost every day at some point, when my upper body pain flares up. And even more surprisingly, it actually makes the pain lessen and my muscles feel softer (once you get past the bucking issue). It has not relieved my headaches consistently, though. It did one time, but I haven’t been able to replicate that since. The “Advil stick” still wins out.

My kids love this thing too. They think this is what going to the spa means. They fight over who I’m going to massage next. Silly kids, neither of you. It’s high time you built some upper arm strength.

 

 

And my husband, who is a bit of a massage lightweight, recently discovered it for lower back pain and is now a believer.

So, all in all, I’d say pretty darn dang good. I haven’t had to write a strongly-worded letter to Pado about their shitty product, which is as good as a thumbs up from me.

One downside is that I don’t have a lot of faith in how long this product will last. There was a notice in the box that begged me to not return it to Amazon if there was a problem. To me, this translates to, “Please return it to us so that Amazon never knows how faulty this product is.”

And then, there’s also that phantom beeping that happened the other night, where the massager wouldn’t stop making noise and we had to hide it downstairs so it didn’t keep us awake all night. Not a deal breaker for us though, as we’re used to things keeping us awake all night.
*I did not receive any compensation nor product for this review. Clearly. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *